that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
