I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
