I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
