yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
