i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
