Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
