i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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