Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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