Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
