Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
