rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
