Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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