eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
