I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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