OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
