Define "chronic" masturbator.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
