i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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