Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We got so high we made milksteak
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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