you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i think i have herpe
just one?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
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Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
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Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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