Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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