fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
