Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
