I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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