went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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