really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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