I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
