Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
