uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
