Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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