After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
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I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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