theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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