the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
