I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
