Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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