I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
