I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
