Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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