Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have fence marks all over my body
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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