I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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