Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
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And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
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I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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