I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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