If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
