his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize