Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
