dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
