So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I smell like Dick and happiness
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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