sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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