the condom got lost in my hair
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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