I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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