Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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