My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
