Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
