i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize